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» Irongale ♕ [RP THREAD]
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Heart of the Devil (Title may change...) EmptyMon Mar 11, 2019 8:43 am by Adrian

April 2019

Calendar Calendar

End of Year News (December 2017)

Thu Dec 28, 2017 3:57 am by Adrian

(It's been one year since I made a news thread, oops)

Merry Christmas/Festivus/whatever holiday you do or do not celebrate!

2017 was a pretty busy year IRL for most of us - according to forum statistics, our busiest month was in June with 1671 total posts, meaning our post rate has been a little …

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Forum Bug

Wed Dec 28, 2016 3:18 am by Adrian

Hi all,

We're aware of a peculiar forum glitch that's causing some subforums to be locked.

Due to the lateness at this time, it might be a while before the glitch can be remedied, because despite my best efforts and as far as I can tell, everything seems to be working fine admin-side. It may have …

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Discord News/Update Test

Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:35 am by Adrian

Just a news, update test. Trying to get this thing to work.

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Heart of the Devil (Title may change...)

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Heart of the Devil (Title may change...) Empty Heart of the Devil (Title may change...)

Post by Shaybaysasuke on Tue Aug 25, 2015 12:38 pm

Hey guys! I've been writing this story for about a year now and I'm pretty proud of it, but it's nowhere near done and not really that good yet since it's my first draft. I wanted to get some feedback from people and I thought why not you guys since everyone on here is such an incredible writer. I only have the first 2 chapters written but if you want to read them any feedback is welcome since I want this to be a great story. Thank you guys! Smile

Prolouge/Chapter 1:

In the world of demons, no one looks alike. Everyone is different, some ugly, some beautiful, some that don’t fit one of the black and white categories. There can be demons that work for evil, others for good. Some want to help humanity; the others just want them dead. However, some demons just want to blend in with humanity to escape their demonic world. They are considered the outcasts, the ones who abandoned their people. Once they leave they are not allowed to return, no matter what they say or do in the human world. Once a demon realizes their powers, whatever they may be, they are put to work, dealing with the humans in the way they deem fit down in the underworld. There is, however, a young demon, the princess at that, who despises the work in the underworld and can slip into the surface world with ease, completely undetected. But there are rebellious souls in the kingdom, itching for their chance at fame and fortune. To claim these riches, one of the rebels is willing to capture the princess in the human world, no matter the consequences.

Chapter 1

“Princess Evirum. My lady it is time to wake up.”
I stirred at the voice, opening my eyes behind the cloth that covered them. I sat up slowly, looking over to the point where the foreign voice had come from.  
“I am up,” I said still looking over at the spot, “Why are you waking me? Where is Prelara?”
I could hear the servant nervously shuffle his feet, “He has gone away on business my lady. I have been picked as his replacement for the time being.”
I sighed and nodded, “Very well, what is your name? More importantly, what is your appearance?” These were always the first questions I asked any new servants, given that there was a cloth covering my eyes. I was cursed to never be able to look upon my true form, and this kept me from seeing the world around me.
“Focadal, my lady,” he paused, thinking of how he can describe himself, “Um, I have ivory skin, my horns are those of a jackalope as well as my tail, I do not have any wings, and I have white hair.”
I waited for any more but he didn’t seem to know what to say. I sighed yet again, “Prelara is better at descriptions but I guess it will do. Now then, Focadal, could you please help me prepare for today?”
I could hear how he stood to attention, ready to take the order, “Yes my lady.”
I stood slowly and walked over to him, I held out my arm and he took it, leading me to the bathroom. He drew a bath for me and left as I slipped into the water. Once I had bathed, I grabbed whatever garment had been left out for me. I slowly pulled it on, trying to determine what it was by just the feel of the fabric. I huffed, frustrated. I couldn’t figure out what it was.
“Focadal,” I called out. I heard him rush to the room and when the door creaked open I spoke again, “What am I wearing?”
“Uh…it’s a dress. It’s tan colored with small rips in the fabric. There are no sleeves and it ends just below your knees,” he said after some thought.
I nodded, “Most of that I could have guessed but thank you anyway. Can you take me to the vanity?”
After a quick pause, where I am guessing he bowed, he took my arm again and helped me to sit down on the stool. I felt around the surface of the table until I found my brush, and then I began to comb my hair, pulling out the knots. This went on for a few minutes before I spoke, breaking the silence, “What do I look like to you?”
He paused once again, trying to come up with an answer, “Well, you’re very small.
Your hair is black, and it is very long. You have dark skin, but there are speckles of white almost covering most of the surface of your arms and shoulders. Your wings are that of a moth, but they have a few tears in them. You have small antlers, like ones of a deer. Your tail…is a skeleton but I am not certain of what animal. Lastly would be your eyes, but they are covered.”
I nodded, “Do you think I am beautiful?”
“Yes princess,” he replied, but I could sense the hesitation in his voice and I frowned. I didn’t press the subject, though, that was what usually happened when I asked that question. Well, with everyone but Prelara, who sounds very genuine when he answers me. I sighed, I hoped he would be back soon, I hated trying to get used to a new servant.
Once I was finished brushing my hair, I took Focadal’s arm and he led me to eat with my father, the king.
“Hello my darling,” he said when I sat down.
“Hello father,” I replied, grabbing a cup of black coffee from the table.
“My King Eexihr,” Focadal exclaimed from the door, “Do you wish me to leave the two of you in peace?”
“Yes Focadal, that will do, thank you.”
Focadal bowed and walked out the door once more, leaving my father and me alone. I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t acknowledge it, I just continued to sip from my cup.
“My dear,” he finally said, breaking the silence sitting in the room, “You should eat something, today is an important one. It may be the day you finally learn your powers.”
All I did was nod. I knew he meant well, but all he wanted from my powers was an heir who could wreak havoc on the human world like he once did. My mother always told me not to stray down that path, to choose one that benefitted the human race, and I agreed with her that that would be the best course of action for me. After she perished, however, my father did not want to hear any more about his daughter wanting to help the humans he felt were nothing but filthy creatures. Now whenever the subject came up I just agreed and didn’t say anything against it, deciding it was best not to argue.
“Yes, father,” I answered, grabbing what I assumed to be an apple from the center of the table, taking a bite of the slightly rotten skin and chewing slowly. The silence continued as we ate, but once my father was finished he stood.
“I will go and make the preparations for your test,” he explained, making his way towards the door, “Please try and be on time.”
“I’ll do my best,” I said with a smile, even though I knew it was an empty promise, I was never on time for anything. I heard Focadal walk back into the room as my father left, but I didn’t pay him any attention. I sat in my seat, lost in thought for a few minutes before the man finally cleared his throat.
“My lady we must prepare you for the ceremony.”
I stood slowly, this was always the worst part, “Fine, take me to them.”

About two hours later (half and hour late to the ceremony) I found myself in the middle of the castle’s large arena. Focadal had helped me dress for this “tremendous occasion,” putting me into an uncomfortably puffy black dress (or at least that is what he described it as) that went all the way to my feet. I shuffled awkwardly, feeling many pairs of eyes one me. I sighed, waiting for my father to get on with the ceremony. I hated being the center of attention, which is very ironic for a princess. Finally, he spoke.
“My people! Once again my daughter stands before you, ready to wield her great power to rule our lands. Today will be the day, I feel it in my bones!”
I sighed as the audience clapped, finally getting an idea of the hundreds of demons sitting around me. Another chance to disappoint the kingdom, I guess.
“My princess, Evirum! Step up please!”
I did as told; taking a few tentative steps forward as a few demons surrounded me, preparing me for the start of the ceremony.
“Now my daughter,” my father’s voice boomed above me as the demons backed away, “Concentrate, feel your energy flow through your veins and set it loose.”
Standing there, I tried my hardest to fake it, letting the signs of power flow off of me in tendrils, but I didn’t let it loose. In all honesty I already knew my power: shape shifting.  But my father (or anyone else for that matter) could not know what my ability was. It would interfere with…a pastime of mine. But still, I had to show signs of at least some power, or my father may not be so kind to me.
“Yes Evirum, just like that,” my father said, no doubt beaming at the signs, “Now, let the power out completely.”
I grimaced, feeling the power starting to overwhelm my sense from being held back, but I had to stop now or else I would reveal my secret. I dug my nails into my hand, focusing on the sting of it instead of the flow of energy about to break out. And it stopped. The energy subsided, the tendrils growing smaller until they stopped flowing off my skin entirely. The crowd gasped around me, possibly believing that today would have really been the day. I could hear my father’s defeated sigh from the arena.
“Evirum, you tried your best. I know one day you will be able to unlock your potential, and then our princess will rule the Underworld,” he bellowed, now addressing the demons in the arena, “As is her right!”
He finished his speech and the crowd cheered, beginning to exit the arena. I just stood there, listening to the dying clamor of the demons, before I was alone, or so I presumed.
“Evirum,” my father began, moving down from the stands, “I am proud of you my princess. I know that we are close to reaching your ability. Then you can take the throne, rule the underworld as I have before you. I believe in you, Evirum, I do.”
I felt his arms encircle me and I returned his embrace.
“Next time could we please skip the dress?”
I felt the rumble in his chest as he chuckled, and then we walked out of the arena and headed for the castle.
Once we reached the doors, my father was pulled away for a diplomacy meeting. He kissed the top of my head and left me with Focadal, allowing me to retire after the events of the day. I gave Focadal my arm and we made our way to my room. He drew another bath for me as I tried to pull the ruffles of the dress over my head. One of the strands of fabric caught onto the cloth on my eyes, causing me to wince in pain as it lifted, only to sear back onto my skin. I gave out a small cry and Focadal rushed over, carefully helping me to undress. He left immediately so I could bathe in peace. I slid into the scalding water, breathing out slowly as my muscles relaxed. That had been stressful. I almost lost control of it this time. But I knew it was necessary, if I didn’t show signs of improvement my father may grow tired of waiting and try to find another heir. Someone better and stronger then I could be without powers. Oh well, no use dwelling on depressing thoughts. Besides, I had an “outing” planned for tonight that I didn’t intend on missing.
“Focadal,” I called out, hearing him run once more into the bathroom, “I have a question.”
“Yes princess, anything,” he replied, again jumping up to take any order.
“Now, I need you to take this seriously and answer completely truthfully,” I waited and, assuming he had nodded, continued, “Can I trust you with a secret?”

Chapter 2:
Chapter 2

I lead Focadal, who was a bit wary, down a series of alleyways in the poorer part of the underworld. This area was where the lowest demons lived, ones banished from their families or that have made themselves disgraces in the demon world. A few were the ones who tried to escape into the human world.
‘If they had been more careful, they would still be allowed here,’ I thought bitterly, walking a bit faster. Finally, after moving through the throngs of the decrepit people, we reached the wall of the kingdom. It had been a miracle finding this place, after so many years of feeling completely trapped in the Underworld. After my mother's death I fled the castle, hiding from my grieving father and the apologies of the people. The moment I heard of her passing an overwhelming feeling of suffocation came over me. It was as if I had just realized there was no way out of a world with no sky. I ran around the kingdom for hours on end, just looking for a way out I knew I would never find. I rested on this wall as exhaustion washed over me both from the running and the hyperventilation I couldn't shake. That was the moment I found the crack. It was almost like it was calling to me, the noises from the above world barely a whisper. I stood slowly, sadness and panic forgotten, and pulled it open. Once was wide enough for me to enter I stepped in, but the moment my hands left the sides of the fissure the walls snapped shut. I just barely retrieved my leg before the opening slammed shut, but I was smiling nonetheless. This was a way out. I sprinted back to the kingdom and only then did I realize something: there were no guards on alert. Anytime a demon found a door to the human world my father would be alerted immediately but not with this one. My smile grew impossibly further as I reached the castle and nearly dragged Prelara back to the place in the wall. Now, years later, I still return as an escape and the only people who knew about it were myself and Prelara, but now Focadal would be added to the secret list.
“My lady?” Focadal began but I just shushed him, leading him to the fissure in the “impenetrable” wall my father prided himself on. I listened, trying to hear if anyone was near us. Once I determined we were really alone I took a breath. As I exhaled I released my suppressed powers, letting the energy flow over my body and felt it changing me as it moved down. I slowly unwrapped the covering on my eyes and opened them slowly, actually taking in my surroundings with my awakened sense of sight. Focadal had a terrified look on his face, glancing over my new form. I smirked, looking down at myself as well. That was what my power was capable of, changing my looks so that I could look upon myself. I hadn’t changed much, just enough so that I could take off the cloth. My skin was still like Prelara and Focadal had described it, brown with white spotting it, just the color had lightened, my hair was shorter and curlier, a darker brown than normal, and my eyes were a rich brown, probably nothing like my own but there was nothing to be done about that. I smiled, enjoying being able to see again, and looked back up at Focadal who still looked terrified. I laughed softly, feeling giddy and excited for my outing.
“This is where I need your help,” I said turning towards the wall, “You need to hold this crack open as I go through, this is the only place that won’t alert my father when someone leaves. But it’s a secret so I need you to close it once I go. Also I’ll need a cover story, Prelara usually tells him I have a meeting with a kingdom elsewhere in the Underworld. I really don’t mind what you say as long as it doesn’t give clues to where I really am. Also make sure the lie will last for a number of days, I don’t plan on returning very soon. I’m trusting you Focadal, don’t fail me.”
“Yes, my lady,” he agreed, but I could sense the slight hesitation in his voice. I glanced over my shoulder, giving him a stern look before stepping up to the wall. I touched it softly, tendrils of energy coming off of my finger and seeping into the crack before it split further, and further until it was big enough for my small form to slip through. I smirked over my shoulder, waving to Focadal before jumping into darkness. I stood there, hearing the rumbling of the wall being pushed back into place by Focadal before releasing the breath I hadn’t know I was holding. I began walking at a brisk pace through the intense blackness around me, coming closer to a light at the other side. I almost laughed at the irony of this. For a human that phrase would mean a better place, a perfect afterlife. But for a demon it was worse than a death sentence, throwing a demon into isolation in a world that would totally reject them, unless, of course, you were like me. I chuckled into the emptiness, lucky me.
Upon reaching the exit, I looked once more behind me, making sure no one had followed. Once I determined the coast was clear I hopped through, immediately blending in with the people walking along the busy sidewalks. No one questioned my being here, no one looked at me weird, and I was just another person here. Not anyone important, not one to be worshipped or fawned over, just another little girl on the street. I walked into a small shop near the opening, going over to one of the tables and grabbing a small bag. It held all the items I needed to look like a normal person, an “IPhone”, a pair of cords to listen to things, a small pouch of metal coins and paper money, and a set of keys I had taken to get into a small room which I stayed in when necessary. I hadn’t earned any of this, I had used different forms to get what I wanted, and the sultrier the body I created was, the more convincing I was. I smirked and grabbed the bag, slipping back out onto the street. I took a deep breath, taking in the clear air of the above ground (even though the citizens would say otherwise) so different from the damp and putrid air in the Underworld. I strutted down the sidewalk, many people having to move out of my way as I would not move for them. This was the only thing about me that I received weird looks from. A woman’s confidence, as I have learned, was almost non-existent in this world as the male humans usually shut it down. One of them actually rammed into my shoulder, he stumbled but I remained upright, only pausing to throw a glare over my shoulder as he screamed at me.
“Hey little girl, watch it.”
“I’d rather it be you who did such a thing since you walked into me, and next time an apology will do,” I stated calmly as I kept walking. I got a look at his dumbfounded face (no doubt surprised for being reprimanded) and heard a few people around him snicker. I smirked and went on my way, still hearing the man try to piece together his “image” as I had heard others say before.
“Heh, little girl thinks she’s smart does she? Just you wait, I see your face again and you’ll be learning something else.”
Rolling my eyes I continued to make my way to the downtown area of the city I remembered was called “New York.” The buildings were massive, towering over the people so far up it seemed they could keep going forever into that blue sky I had grown to adore. The walks were crowded, the streets were lined with speeding contraptions, and everywhere I looked there was utter chaos. I loved it. Life as a princess meant no danger, no surprises; a set schedule for every day and a demon to do my work for me since my father deemed me incapable due to my blindness. Then there were the people. Different colors, different sexes, single humans, pairs glued together by hands or mouths, people in fancy clothing, rags, costumes, or even sometimes just in undergarments, smaller humans being led by mothers and fathers and siblings, non native people seeing what there was to be seen. No one person was the same, much like us demons, and the diversity was an amazing thing to see. Everything had its flaws though because along with the laughter and happy voices to be heard there was also a lot of anger. Men and Women, both young and old alike, yelling at tourists, people of a different color or sex, or even humans with others from their own sex. This was the only sight I couldn’t stand to see, the injustice of being reprimanded for something uncontrollable causing me to become nauseous. Thankfully the humans out today didn’t seem to be in the mood for yelling, as I saw no people being brought to tears caused by another’s words. After a few minutes of walking I reached my destination, a small building nestled in between two of the larger ones. The outside of the complex was nothing extravagant, a wrought iron gate with ivy leaves dropping over the top, a small fountain in the middle of a circled walkway, and a dark brown brick exterior that was falling apart in places. I raised my set of metal keys and unlocked the gate, reveling in the sound of it scraping the pavement. I was home.
“Ms. Ginger?” I called as I closed the front door quietly, “Ms. Ginger are you home?”
“Oh yes, yes my dear hello!” the older woman exclaimed, shuffling out of the kitchen to greet me, “Oh, Ev it’s so good to see you!”
“You as well Ms. Ginger,” I replied as I returned a hug the excited woman had pulled me into.
“Oh you know I hate being called that, it makes me sound old,” she said pulling away with a wink, “How many times to I have to tell you to call me Katherine?”
“Alright, Katherine. How have you been doing? It has been too long.”
“Busy, busy, busy. Just like I usually am,” she began, motioning me into the kitchen so she could continue her baking, “There was a school that needed 5 dozen cookies, a hospital that needed a large cake, and a little girl needed about 400 cupcakes for her 16th birthday party. All in this week!”
“Oh my, Katherine, you overwork yourself,” I said tying on an apron, “At least let me help you.”
“You’re such a sweetheart,” she said placing a hand on my cheek, “But go get settled first, you must be exhausted after your trip.”
I tried to argue more, but she just pushed me out of the kitchen and up to my rented apartment. I chuckled and shook my head as she closed my door. Katherine had been the one to help me on my first trip to this world, offering me work and a place in her apartment. She ran a family owned bakery, but since most of her family was now deceased she had worked alone. Then she opened up the shop to younger people on the streets to make a living. She was a kind old woman, allowing her workers to stay in her home as long as we worked for her. As of now, the only others in her home were a female called Lily, a male called Anthony, and myself. The two were friendly, we would go out on outing together occasionally, but we all mostly kept to ourselves, save for when we had work. I was closer to Katherine than I was with anyone else in the human world, maybe even in the demon world. She and Prelara would get along swimmingly. I sighed and opened the closet, reprimanding myself for being negative. ‘This is not the time or the place,’ I reminded myself as I pulled some new clothes off the hangers. I slipped on a deep red shirt with a long neckline and a black skirt that reached my knees. I strapped on some black sandals before walking back downstairs and tying on an apron again.
Over the years I had been coming here, Katherine had been teaching me how to cook goods, clean the kitchen, work the registers and computers, even how to function her husbands old motorbike (that task took longer then it was supposed to). Katherine was the one to help me ease into the human world, teaching me different things, almost like a mother in this world.
“Katherine, do you have any specific tasks for me?”
“Hmm,” she hummed still looking at her bowl of batter, “let’s see…Oh! I got an order for a party this morning, just a medium sized cake. I was hoping you could make your special recipe since they didn’t give me any preference. The things should be in the cupboard.”
“Alright,” I said, moving over to the corner and opening the door slowly, catching the spices and boxes that tumbled off the crowded shelves. I smiled and shook my head, running my eyes over the seemingly endless pile of ingredients, pulling out the ones I needed carefully as to not start the impending avalanche. Moving over to the only clean spot on the counter, I began to mix the ingredients.
Approximately 1 hour later I pulled out the devil’s food cake I had created. I smiled at the result; they seemed to be improving each time I made one. Katherine praised me on my work before going back to her large batch of cookies, leaving me to decorate the cake. I grabbed some icing, a light blue that I mixed with some pink dye, and l lathered the sweet topping onto the dark cake. I chuckled softly, finding it humorous how much I had in common with a cake. The sweet has such a dark interior, named after the devil himself, being covered in something so light and pretty. I covered what I was with my forms, hiding what I was from a world people will flee from the sight of something as “evil” as I was. I even had to hide in my own world, a one where I would one day rule its people. I wanted out of it, not wanting to be confined to such a fate. My father didn’t understand, wanting me to grow our demonic army in order to move above, to destroy the humans he thought were far below him. I shook my head, pushing the thoughts far into my mind. This wasn’t the time to think about this, I came to the human world to escape the problems I had in the underworld. Once the icing was in a smooth layer on the outside of the cake, I started on the details. I took a tube that Katherine called a piper and pushed some black icing into the plastic. I cut the smallest hole I could at the triangular bottom and began making intricate flowers on top of the pink and blue. I left a circle in the middle; writing in the words “Happy Birthday” in a fancy script Katherine told me the customers loved. Once I made sure everything on it was perfect, I showed it to Katherine to inspect it. She turned to it and covered her mouth, exclaiming at how beautiful it was and how I had learned so much in the time I had been here.
“Oh, dear. You must deliver this to the girl. This isn’t just a cake, it’s a masterpiece.”
“Katherine it isn’t much different than the others I have made,” I said giving a small smile in return to her elated expression.
“Well of course it is, you made it without any help this time. You’re getting better at these, I’m so proud.”
I gave a breathy laugh as she pulled me down to kiss my cheek and shooed me out the door.
“Here’s the address,” she said handing me a piece of paper as I got on the motorcycle, “Be careful on the road, you know I worry about you, and make sure to introduce yourself to the people, be polite.”
“I will Katherine, I swear,” I said as I pulled on a helmet, “I will be back soon.”
I waved as I drove off, paying close attention to the road since this was still a bit new to me. The first time I reached the human world, many things confused me, especially the idea of navigating streets with fast metal contraptions. In fact, one had almost crushed me had a kind man not pulled me out of the way. Even though it wasn’t necessarily a fond memory, the thought of it brought a smile to my face. The kind man had been Anthony and he was the reason I gained a job working for Katherine. After he had saved me he took me out for food, the first food I had ever eaten out of the underworld. It was a very different taste, none of it being rotten, and I enjoyed it. Anthony’s company was also something new to me, he had not treated me like a royal the way demons did in the underworld. It was a refreshing change to not be seem as someone important. It made me feel normal and that was something I never experienced in the Underworld, considering both my familial status and my curse. Anthony had been the first person I had looked at with my own eyes, no description required. He had asked me after the fact if I had a place to stay, since he knew many people in the city had no where to go and no job to help them pay for a home. I had accepted and he brought me to Katherine where I was able to a start living here in the human world. Lily came in after I had when Katherine found her out on the streets in the rain. It had taken her a long time to talk to Anthony and me, but once she became comfortable enough the three of us had become fast friends.
I snapped out of my thoughts as I heard a horn sound from behind me. I winced as I realized the light had been green for quite some time now. Even more honks sounded from behind me as the driver’s became impatient. I sighed and raised a hand in apology, not really meaning the gesture. Humans, despite how much I enjoyed their company, did have flaws, impatience being one of the major ones. Humans were complicated beings, so many conflicting views and ideas that never worked without a large mass of approval. Their ruling system, at least what I perceive from it, has a ruler like my father even though he holds little power. It was too complicated for me to learn what with my little time during trips but from what I’ve heard from Katherine it doesn’t work as well as people would hope. It was no place for me to say anything about this world, but a king seems like a better solution to problems. However when I actually stop to think about it, I realize why these people went in this direction. My father, with so many views that differed from mine, always implicated ideas that I despised. That is one of the many reasons I enjoy escaping to the human world, a break from my father’s rule so I will not snap on him. I blinked and swerved, coming back over as I had gotten close to the other side of the road. Katherine was right; I did need to stop daydreaming.
I pulled into the driveway, checking and double-checking the address to make sure I didn't walk up to a different house with a cake. I grabbed the box from the back of the bike, balancing it on one hand as I rang the doorbell. I heard the soft sound of music playing inside and the soft buzz of conversation. I heard a clamor from behind the door and some laughing before a girl opened the door. She was very pretty, with light pink hair and baby blue eyes. She wore a large grey sweater with blue short pants, jeans I believe, and strapped heels. Her eyes were framed with black-framed glasses and a black beanie covered much of her bubblegum colored hair that contrasted greatly with the darker attire.  
She gave me a smile, the expression lighting up her face, “Oh it’s the cake! Did you make this?”
“Yes I did. I work for Katherine at The Sweet Spot, you must have spoken with her,” I replied. Her voice had been so soft it caught me off guard, I probably wouldn’t have heard her if she hadn’t been so excited. She ushered me through the door, showing me into the kitchen where I could put the cake while she went to get some money.
I opened the box, pulling out the serving tray as well and setting the cake on the kitchen table. I heard a light gasp from behind me and turned to see her standing there with a wide smile.
“Oh my goodness that’s beautiful,” she breathed out; moving forward to see it more closely, “Thank you so much! I love it.”
“It was nothing,” I said with a small smile of my own, “Just performing my duties.”
“Nothing?” she asked, smiling at me, “That must take some practice to make it look so cute.”
“Well thank you,” I relented, letting her praise me, “It did take me some time to perfect it, and I do hope it’s to your liking.”
“Of course it’s to my liking!” she laughed, grabbing onto my hands in her excitement, “It’s so perfect I can’t think of what to say.”
I just gave a small laugh along with her, not knowing how to react to her gesture. She seemed to notice my discomfort and dropped my hands gently.
“Oh goodness, sorry,” she apologized, brushing a strand of pink out from her eyes, “I tend to grab at people when I get excited.”
I smiled, “It’s quite alright, just not used to such friendliness I suppose.”
Her smile turned into a small frown, “Well that’s no fun, you always need a couple of excited friendly people in your life.”
Her smile reappeared as she grabbed my hand again and pulled me into what I assumed to be the living room, “Now let’s introduce you. Guys! The cake is here! And I have the person who made it!”
The 10 teenagers in the room cheered and stood, saying hello to me as they passed and I nodded politely. They all gathered around the cake I had made and gave appreciative noises, some on the look and others how it smelled.
“Come on you guys,” one of the girls began, “Happy Birthday to you…”
All of the others joined in, singing to the pink haired girl who blushed slightly.
“Happy Birthday to Zoe, Happy birthday to you!” they all finished the song and cheered before digging into the cake. Zoe laughed and grabbed two pieces, handing one in my direction.
“Here you have to have some,” she said with a smile, “It seems too delicious to just make.”
“No thank you,” I declined with a smile of my own, “It is very ironic but I don’t like sweets.”
“Oh that’s a shame,” the girl said through a bite of the cake, “Because this is seriously delicious.”
“Thank you again,” I said with a chuckle, flattered by this girl’s praise, “Just doing my job.”
The girl shook her head with a laugh, “You aren’t giving yourself enough credit. You have a real gift with this. Anyway, you should totally stay tonight. We’re going to be watching a bunch of cheesy movies later, it’s going to be so fun.”
A couple of the other teenagers agreed, smiling over at me while the rest were still digging into the cake.
“I would love to but I have dinner plans tonight,” I said with a sad smile, a part of me wanting to say yes.
The girl looked a bit sad but then smiled again, “Oh that’s ok, you have to come over again though with some more cake.”
I laughed, “I will make sure to do so. I really do need to be off though, thank you for inviting me in and have a nice evening.”
“We will,” she said with a smile, walking with me to the door, “You have fun too.”
“Thank you, I am sure I will,” I responded while hopping on my motorcycle. I drove off and caught a glimpse of her waving before her pink head disappeared back inside the house.

Last edited by Shaybaysasuke on Tue Aug 25, 2015 3:58 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Ace on Tue Aug 25, 2015 1:36 pm

Hey Shannon, I really liked it! The concept seems really interesting and it was executed really well too. Honestly amazing imagery, I never felt lost in the story at all. It was fun and easy to read, and that's one of the most important things to make sure of while writing a story, so congrats ^.^

I only have two minor notes, just some things I thought of as I read the story.

First, you might want to include a few sentences of explanation at the beginning of the second chapter to explain how she found out about the crack. Did her mother show her?

Second, you might want to fix this line since, at first, it sounds like she's homophobic (of course, it becomes clear afterwards that you don't mean that, but for a second that's what it seemed like).

"Men and Women, both young and old alike, yelling at tourists, people of a different color or sex, or even humans with others from their own sex. This was the only sight I couldn’t stand to see, the injustice of it causing me to become nauseous."

As I said, it becomes cleared up in the next line, so it's up to you if you want to change it.

All in all, awesome job, I really liked it and can't wait for more!
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Post by Shaybaysasuke on Tue Aug 25, 2015 4:02 pm

Thank you Ace! I fixed those two spots and I might be able to work on chapter 3 tonight since I actually don't have that much homework.
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