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    Utopia

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    Utopia

    Post by Paradox on Sat May 11, 2013 11:25 pm

    Utopia

    Author's Note:
    So this is my 2nd posted story, my first one was supposed to be a book but I only got the first chapter done. Please hold with me, I support the logic that you must write to get better at writing, so of corse I accept CnC. I also wanted to break in this section of the forum with its first story. Third, and finally I need characters so feel free to submit (the form is a little bit later on) my guaranty is no matter their role, they will be referred to at least once by name. So thank you, and I am happy to present, Utopia


    Form:
    Name:
    Appearance:
    Personality:
    Age:
    Skills:
    Strengths:
    Weaknesses:
    Other:


    Table of Contents
    Prologue - On This Page
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    Prologue

    The door opens, I step on to the balcony, and I admire my beautiful home city. This is Utopia City, the fruits of the labors of the Utopia Project, a city of 20 million and the only fully green city in the world. My watch beeps, it's alerting me to the fact that my monorail to school leaves in five minutes. I slap myself on my head
    "Great Matthew, you're late for the monorail again" I slam the sliding door open, pick up my bag, then run out the door, down the stairs, out the door of my building, and through the park surrounding my building. My feet resound of the pavement as the sliding door opens and I run into the station. I only sneak a quick glance at a diagram of the Grid before jumping on the monorail. As the monorail slides out out of the station I continue thinking about the Grid, the huge network that connects the whole city's power, computers , practically everything. I breath a sigh of relief as I hear the monotonous voice of the computer that autopilots the monorail saying
    "Next stop, Central Street, Academy District"
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    Re: Utopia

    Post by boyhoy on Sun May 12, 2013 12:24 am

    Nice opening! I'd just recommend adding a tad more detail to certain things. Seeing as it's just the Prolouge, that's not a huge deal. I'm going to wait for a bit more of the story before submitting a form. Overall, I'm very interested to see what happens in the rest of the story! Good job! Very Happy

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    Re: Utopia

    Post by Mooncall on Sun May 12, 2013 11:52 am



    Form:
    Name: William Ashford
    Appearance: Blond hair, green eyes, wears a white polo shirt and basketball shorts.
    Personality: Kind and helpful. Always looking for adventure
    Age: 14
    Skills: quick and intelligent.
    Strengths: always can outsmart enemies
    Weaknesses: not very good in hand to hand combat
    Other:
    Mooncall
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    Newbie
    Newbie

    Join date : 2013-05-12
    Posts : 42
    Location : Mars

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    Re: Utopia

    Post by Hero of Time on Sun May 12, 2013 11:59 am

    I think it's an interesting start, but it seems a bit awkward to me. Some of that comes with tenses. Personally, I'm a fan of past tense when working with stories, whereas RPGs can be past or present, but I guess that's your choice.

    I also agree with boyhoy in that your descriptions could be better.


    Finally, there's a bit of a repetitiveness to all of your listings... it seems like it's constantly a few words, comma, few words, comma, few words, comma rather than having some variety in there by means of semicolons or just different sentence structure.

    Besides that, I'm very interested with the idea, and I'll be following this!

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    Re: Utopia

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