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-Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Michael DeathFlame on Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:28 pm

Monica: Crap. Crap, I didn't think it was that obvious. Crap crap crap. I try to think of something to say, like how I was fine or it was nothing, but I can't come up with anything super convincing. "No, it's..." It's what? I'm not even completely sure. Definitely not something good, that's for sure. I shrug, because that's not that much of a lie at all. "It's, don't worry about it. I've heard most of that before, from other people. You're right, I know."

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Mon Mar 06, 2017 3:35 pm

Cei

Is this avoidance?? "If you've heard it before, then why did you react that way?" I find a wall to settle against, cross my arms over my ribs and wait, ears open, eyebrows raised.

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Michael DeathFlame on Mon Mar 06, 2017 5:14 pm

Monica: She's not letting up, is she? The way she's up against the wall, with her arms crossed over her, it almost looks like she's just about ready to sit there all day if she has to. "Well, I..." I don't say anything after that for a bit, not just because I don't want to, but because I have no idea what I'm supposed to say, or what I should say. There are so many reasons why I don't want to tell her anything but also so many reasons why I do want to tell her and I'm not sure which reasons are right and which ones are stupid. It feels like a hundred different things to say shoot up and then die back, just leaving me with a head full of useless words.

I scoot back a bit on my desk, putting even more of my weight on it than I had been before, like I need the extra energy to think. Finally, something at least somewhat down the middle comes, and I go with it. "That stuff's always been, or, well... I don't know, before I was here things were... messy." I hook my thumb into my pocket, rubbing it against my hand through the fabric. "Just messy... well, family stuff, I guess. Just stuff that I hope doesn't happen again."

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Mon Mar 06, 2017 5:19 pm

Cei

So now I know I definitely screwed up. At least now there isn't a doubt. I think back to what I said. She said it was a family problem. I told her to watch out for herself, because other people wouldn't. ... Family not treating her well then, in the past. Maybe being sold out. ... Maybe ... I don't like the way that idea makes me feel. Or think. I want to punch something. My body is tensing in preparation for it.

"Are they gone, your family?" I have to work to keep my hands from buckling into fists. "Or ..." My teeth are grinding now, and I can feel the pressure build in my jaw. Carefully, I add, "Would you want them to be?" I don't know why I'm still asking, I shouldn't be, I hate this.

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Michael DeathFlame on Mon Mar 06, 2017 9:19 pm

Monica: She seems kind of mad. Not at me, I think, just mad, about... something.  Or maybe just upset? I don't know, either, way she's not happy, and the last bit makes that clear. I don't react as strongly to her last question though, not as much as I did before. Before it was a bit of a surprise, to jump back into thinking about that, but now that we're here, I've been asked that more than once, mostly by Chase, and once by Zeke, too. It doesn't mean it doesn't make me uncomfortable, it just means I'm quicker to responding this time around. "Most of my family's gone, been gone for a while. My... well, my mother I guess, she's still around, but we just stay away from each other. So, yeah, I guess they're all gone."


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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Mon Mar 06, 2017 9:27 pm

Cei

I nod, getting it. Family separated or dead. Mother elsewhere, parted for a reason. Not a good one. I won't ask anymore dumb questions. I'm getting sappy, and in a dumb way. "Probably for the best, then."

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Michael DeathFlame on Thu Mar 09, 2017 4:48 pm

Monica: She doesn't say anything else after that. She seems done talking for now, at least. The bit of quiet after that gives me more time to catch up, to let my brain really work through what just happened, what we both said to each other. Did I overreact? I don't know. Maybe? But I mean, at the same time, maybe not. I realize quick enough that that'll just keep going around in a bunch of circles, and I don't think I'll ever get to an answer that feels right.

So I think about what she said instead. At first, when she really got into it, I felt like I had to defend myself, like she was attacking me and everything I thought and know. But now that I'm thinking back to it, I don't think that's what she was doing. Or, at least, I don't think that's what she wanted to do. I've met a lot of mean people before, when I was with my family and since I've been with Chase. I've listened to people try to hurt me by telling me that no one really cared about me, that I was going to get myself killed because I was too weak to survive here, that I didn't have what it took. I've gotten that a lot, and I know what it sounds like.

Cei kind of sounded like that, but it was different. I don't think she was saying it to break me down, like she was trying to get me upset. No, I don't think it was that. I think she felt like she was warning me about what might happen, like she was giving me advice or something like that. Maybe she went through something like I did, when she was younger, with her own family. Maybe it happened to some of her friends. I don't know, whatever it was, I feel like she's seen stuff like that happen before. And I feel like she just doesn't want that to happen to me too.

That doesn't mean I'm not mad at her. I still am, a little bit, even though I know I shouldn't be. But I'm not as mad as I was before, not nearly as mad as I was before. Cei says that she's dangerous to be around. Maybe she is. But she's a good person, even if she doesn't think that.

I put a little bit more weight on my legs, leaning just a little less against my desk. "I don't know what kind of trouble you're in, and I don't know how much I could do with whatever trouble you've got. But, well, if there's actually something I could do, that'd help, well... yeah, yeah I'd do it." Lame finish, but I didn't know what else to say.


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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Thu Mar 09, 2017 5:33 pm

Cei

I think to myself that I should plan things out beforehand, think, act tough and be tough and -- but I can't help myself. I grin. "Aww. You're a nice one, Monica. Thanks."

It's kind of funny. It doesn't matter what anyone wants to do to me, for me, whatever. I'll still come out the same at the end of it. But still it's cute and kind of ... it makes me feel nice. That someone would offer to do something like that, just ... be kind to me even though they don't have a reason because they can't get anything out of me if they do. It's weird. People don't do that, from what I know. Or ... they could, can. But people don't. Probably makes her strange, then. Outlier. "You've got a sweet heart. Make sure no one hurts it, okay? That'd be sad."

I don't want to be dumb and say something I shouldn't, especially since ... everything's up in the air, till I decide what I'm going to do. And it's really ironic, because of what I was told to do to this kid in front of me, but ... "Promises aren't a good idea right now, so I won't make one but at the same time if someone comes around to hurt you I'm gonna rip their throat out. You're too likable and kind to have to deal with more shit."

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Omni on Sat Mar 11, 2017 9:01 pm

(So, am I late?)

@WritingBookworm wrote:"Then I would suggest talking to him," Anna said, getting back to her point from before. "That is, if you want a more definite answer as to what he's like, and how he feels on certain matters. People can change a lot over the years." Cedric did. Odessa most certainly did. "He might have changed for the worse. But there are parts of him that also might have changed for the better."

-Tess-

"Yeah, I guess." She was silent for a moment. "He's not the only one who's changed."

@Captain Whitehawk wrote:Ludis

I have to concede to myself for a moment that Ikam, in his trademark way, had always been the better strategist.  But I find I'm almost enjoying myself.  All of this is good.  

"Alright, I get it," I say, feeling my lips tug across my teeth.  I shouldn't be smiling, this was serious business.  But this was getting almost fun, in a terrifying and unsettling way.  "This is all assuming, however, that I relay your messages accurately and decide to pass them along in the first place.  But there's no reason to do so, really.  I could say whatever I wanted."  I consider that for a moment.  "And this also assumes you're telling me the truth, which you have no reason to, are unlikely to do about any relevant information, and haven't in the past."  I keep a hint of a smile as I say this, keeping his eyes with every word.  I'm not going to coerce him on anything here, he probably knows that.  And I curse myself for a moment because it's a damn shame, even though trying and getting caught would put me in a world of pain.  But I'll be damned before I get reduced to some kind of page running to and fro at the beck and call of others.  What kind of game did he think I was playing?

"And of course your 'had to do' implies you've taken up some ulterior goal of some sort, and if it isn't about you then it's about Acritudo.  The Zeidan system never worked like it could have, we all know that.  You're opposing the rebels, which makes sense in its own way because they're too passionate to be clearheaded and lack too much practicality, nevermind the odds of them securing a hold long enough to spread across all of Acritudo is laughably slim without capable backup. And so here you are, come with tea and breakfast to make negotiations rather than just take Poena and the people inside."  I settle my weight back on my heels, waiting.  My heart is throbbing in my chest, my throat, my ears.  The world's colors are warping around me.  Ikam's brown hair seems almost iridescent, for a moment there.  I focus on the feel of my hands.  They rest atop my thighs, fingers vaguely spread, the vague knob to each of my knuckles like pinpoints on the map of my hands.  I'm cheered by the fact that their shaking is minimal.

-Ikam-

"Perhaps." Ikam regarded Ludis with steady eyes and chose his next words carefully. "Or perhaps I've simply found something I want more than what I once did. Bring me Lucian."

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Sun Mar 12, 2017 1:16 pm

Ludis

I find my conclusion.  The patterns, the things that had happened before and the ways it could be impacting the now, had been swirling around in my head.  But now I've finally come to terms with the thing I didn't want to see.  The helpless, hopeless romantic in me kept thinking, wanting a maybe, a could be, a perhaps.  I hate the realization that comes with that truth: that, truly, I spent too much of my time and thoughts thinking about a person who'd stop remembering me for who I was and what we'd been a long, long time ago.

This isn't a daydream, isn't a fairytale.  The man before him -- our relationship has been long dead.  I just forgot to go to the funeral.  Well, I showed up this time.  Gone, gone.  Which is fine.  About time I settled for conquering rather than dreaming anyways.  But I also recognize that, as I move forward, my ability to understand what he's doing (and what I'm doing, perhaps even more so) will be conflicted by lying or hidden intentions.  My gut twists painfully as I clear my clouded mind and formulate my words.  I don't care about his response, I remind myself.  It's about eliminating possible motives in what ensues.

Yet for a moment, that idea is completely broken.  I know him and I know what he thinks about and what bothers him and how he hurts and that he never was a mistake or a bad person, whatever bad things he'd done and continued to do or all the bad things that happened to him.  He had far too many bad things thrown at him, he didn't choose it and it was never his fault.  Underneath the hyper-intelligence and vigilance and military skill and strategic planning he is someone completely different, so much more vulnerable and precious and loveable.  He's got a dumb-ass, noble vision to make Acritudo a better place, even though this hellhole has been damned to hell since it first began. Yes, he's throwing the cold, hard-hearted, "I am an unfeeling machine, a military genius" persona out to play, but that's not who he is and that's not what he really wants or feels, it's just a mask, it's just a LIE --

He told you no and wanted you gone, you ass.  Protecting his heart, his feelings, or his goals is not your concern any more.  You have no part in him.  He is your opponent, at best.  You work for what you want, and take no time for anyone else.  You broke up, it's over, now get the damn plan in high gear.  There is shit that needs to get done.

I take a breath.  "The real reason I came down here was to try and understand what had happened with us, back when we were together." I thread my fingers through each other, feeling tired and done with my own idiocy.  Being open and honest about this issue, especially the person that is the issue reminds me how very stupid I get when I let myself be emotional and how much better a player I am at these conquering games when my heart is nowhere in it.  I grit my way through.  "I was very invested, very much in love with you, and we just -- we ended in a way that wasn't just painful, also very confusing.  I couldn't figure out how I'd fucked it up and what I should have done instead, what you wanted, what you felt -- all that."  I feel pain, my heart beating too fast and too hard.

"But now that I'm finally face to face with you again, it doesn't matter." I feel myself slipping, inserting things I hadn't originally planned -- but it feels so honest and truthful, I just -- I have to say it.  "I get it.  As I'd suspected when it all began, admittedly with a lot of insecurity added in at the time, I just didn't work for you.  And that's fine.  I hope you've found someone who treats you better."  And I smile, because I'm trying very hard to mean it and kill off the younger me that still loves -- there!  That voice is quieter now that I took a second to crush it.  "And now that that funeral is over -- game on, Tuls.  I look forward to watching Poena's drama."  And cause some myself.  I dedicate my frazzled, broken mind to lusting after power.
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