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-Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Michael DeathFlame on Fri Mar 03, 2017 6:18 pm

Monica: I smile at the last comment. "Yeah, it kind of is." Mars is just about everything I know, but I'm not dumb enough to think that Mars is the greatest place in Anaphora, and I don't even think the most patriotic Aspernori would say it was the prettiest place. I feel like whenever there're a lot of people in one place, it'll never be too pretty, with all the pollution and fighting and such. So when you have this many people, well, yeah, not the nicest.

"I don't really look at Mars because, you know, it's kind of ugly. I just..." This sounds kind of weird, doesn't it? I don't know, I don't think it's weird, but I don't ever hear someone say they do something like this. Whatever, there're way worse things to do, and I don't think Cei is the judgey type. "I don't know, I guess I just watch the people. Not all the time, just sometimes at night. Just see what people do. Unless they're fighting each other, no, I'm not looking for something like that, I'm not, well, I don't look for that." I shrug, and I realize that the more I talk the more my eyes shift to the window. It's shuttered, so I can't even see that much, but I look at it anyway. "I just watch what people do. Think about what they're doing, what they're like, what's happened to them, you know, what their life is like. That sort of stuff. Does that make sense?"


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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Fri Mar 03, 2017 8:17 pm

Cei

I blink at her, surprised.  She says it so intelligently and thoughtful-like.  This kid sits down with a purpose, to think about the things that she sees and wonder at them.  I know we do something of the same thing.  But I'd never watched to wonder, I'd watched to see.  She watches to understand.  And she cares about the things she sees.  She's got the better heart, I can already tell.

"I do something like that," I say, my eyes sliding down and to the right.  "Not like you, though.  I like watching for the sake of watching."  Yes, yes I do. Yesterday had been a blissful, impossible dream.  To just sit and stare out a window and take in the sky and the beautiful sun -- skies, I thought I'd never get to see it again and I'd been crying as I watched it swell up into the grey-blue.  It must have been hours I'd sat there, nearly falling out the window just to stop and stare and look and drink in everything I saw. It was the most peaceful, the most meaningful, the most wonderful thing I'd done in my entire life and every breath I'd sucked through my lungs was pure hell and unimaginable happiness.  

"I've always been watching, I guess," I say.  "Doesn't matter where I am or why, I keep watching.  Even when they'd --" I cut myself off.  Even when they'd shut me up in the dark and there was nothing to see except black for days and days while you felt your lungs shrivel up and die from the cold, stagnant air and you're waiting every moment for them to come through and the light to blind you and to be taken away to more sights and sounds and bright lights but you don't want to see them take out the knives and --  

I wince, grimace, lick my lips.  My hands, my legs, my chest, my head and shoulders -- they don't feel like they're in my body.  They're floating a bit, and I feel sort of light-headed.  I hurt and then I STOP. I ... I refocus.  "I ... I do it too.  I get it."
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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Michael DeathFlame on Sat Mar 04, 2017 11:58 am

Monica: I look back over at Cei once she starts talking again, a little curious by what she means. I haven't really met someone else who does something like that, so I listen as carefully as I can. That's how I notice her stop, how for a second her eyes and face kind of move like they're not really in the room anymore, like there's something else going on that I can't see. Just on instinct I go to push down on my Passion, but I figure out real quick that there's no Passion to push down. Whatever's going on, it's not me who's doing it, and I'm kind of relieved by that, well not relieved, not relieved that something's wrong, but-

Never mind, it doesn't matter. She starts talking again, and she seems a little more there, but she still seems kind of shaky, a kind of shaky that a lot of people never get. I don't say anything first, because I don't know if I should ask her if she's okay or not, and if I do, what to say after that. I'm tempted to ask, because I'm kind of curious, but I don't, because if she wanted to talk about it, she would. People in Aspernor go through a lotbad things, and if she's in as much trouble as Odessa made her out to be, she probably went through a lot of that terrible stuff. And talking about that is, well, it sucks. Maybe later, if she stays and if I get to know her better, I'll ask. Just not today.

"Yeah. I don't even remember when I started. Before I was here, for sure. I don't know why I started, it just kind of happened." I lean back against my desk, looking back out the window. "I don't know. I guess things just always move so fast here. Sometimes you just go through a day or a two and you can't even remember everything that happened. I don't know, I guess I just like slowing down, watch stuff happen, take more in. Keeps you from going crazy when a lot's going on."


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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Sat Mar 04, 2017 5:44 pm

Cei

Glancing over at her, I see her eyes on the shuttered window. She really is a watcher, isn't she? And what she says logically checks out, in it's own way. I think she's right. "Sometimes watching keeps you on top," I say, not really knowing what I'm doing as I pull the shutters back. I look out the window, take it all in again, watch it and see how it all is. "Knowing where everything is and seeing everything as it happens is one of the greatest things you can have, I'd say." The greyness of Mars I hate but ... a little calm sinks into me as I look at it all. "You're right." I sigh slowly through my nose. "A lot can happen in a day. And slowing down to breath and take a step back helps a lot."

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Michael DeathFlame on Sun Mar 05, 2017 10:56 am

Monica: "Yeah. Yeah, I think so too." And I believe Cei thinks that, too, I know that. The more she talks the less strung up she seems. At the last bit I can actually kind of see it happen, like before she was strung up like a bow ready to go off, but now she's finally letting that part of her uncoil, even if it's only by a little bit. That just makes me more curious than I already was, about what's going on between her, Odessa, and Chase. Maybe this has nothing to do with them; this could just be its own thing, something that no one but her knows about. The way she talks about staying on top and stuff, that's sounds a lot like something Chase or Odessa would say. That's good in a way, I guess, because that's what keeps them safe and alive, but I've seen what that kind of mindset does to people after a while. Living like that, it's not easy, and one way or another it always comes back to bite you.

I'm not going to just come out and ask her about her life story, though. That's a bit much all at once. And I've already heard enough horror stories to last me for a bit. "Yeah, keeping track of everything helps. It calms me down sometimes." I cross my arm over my chest and rub my elbow, thinking back to me and Carina's talk yesterday. "That's great and all, but for me, being around people that you know, that's the best thing for it, especially here. It's probably the same way every where else, but here at least, you really can't show people too much. I feel like people'll use anything they can to get to you sometimes, so it's almost like you can't give them anything to work with. Having people you know, though, who you know won't use you, that, for me at least, it keeps me going. I don't know what I'd do without that."

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Sun Mar 05, 2017 1:11 pm

Cei

My eyes slide to the corners and I watch her.  Arm crossed over her chest, fingers and palm rubbing across her elbow.  Thinking or nervous?  Thinking, I realize, watching her lips move and hearing her voice.  Thinking back, more likely, I think, but I don't know to what or why.

But as I hear her and take her in a second time, initial think-through over, my breath catches.  What kind of kid is this??  She's almost too ... too ... something to last.  Aspernor born and bred, she's got all the know-how to make her life work here -- though I think she'd get herself killed pretty quick by someone who did less watching and more action.  But she's kinda .. She's sweet and cute and I like her, and I think she's going to die.  No way anyone watching her and listening to her wouldn't realize she'd be an easy kill and a big loss to whoever got sucked into her cute little heart, the kind that screws a dagger into you and haunts you at night, just because you cared.  Jester bitch wants her dead because of this, I note.

I roll my shoulders, turn my head this way and that to feel the bones in my neck clack and crick.  "Mars is a mess of people all trying to take the throne.  Or maybe they just want to see it burn -- who knows, who cares.  Means that they'll take whatever chances they can and do whatever the hell they need to get there.  If you're useful, you'll be used."  I shrug.  "Probably why you're here, though you're real cute and good all on your own.  In most cases, I don't believe that people would do a good thing unless it was going to give them something they wanted later."
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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Michael DeathFlame on Sun Mar 05, 2017 5:44 pm

Monica: After I stop talking I keep my eyes on Cei, not wanting to have them accidentally drift over to the window again. Right after I was done I got nervous quick, nervous about maybe saying a little too much. I just met this girl, so I barely even know her. She seems nice, but it's not like I know for sure. Just because Carina opened up the way she did yesterday doesn't mean everyone else will too. Still, I said what I said, and now I wait a bit anxiously to see what she says.

At first I have no idea where she's going, but the more she talks the more I start to figure out she's going at. Slowly, I feel my face get a little tight, like someone tied a bunch of string through my face and they were pulling it back just a bit behind me. My Hate doesn't shoot up, not again, but I still feel a rolling kind of heat at the bottom of my belly. You don't know him. You don't know anything about him because he would never use me.

My lips peel a part a little bit as my mind flies for the words to use, but when I open them a little bit of that heat slips out of me. I look down at the ground instead of up at her face. He wouldn't... no, he... no, not him, no. But it's true, not about Chase, but about a lot of people here. They try to get as much out of you as they can and then some. I know that, I'm not stupid. And Chase is in Aspernor, and I know he does that sort of manipulating thing to a lot of other people. I've thought before that he was maybe doing that to Zeke, but I always just thought that was me being too nervous, looking too into things. But even if all of that's true, he wouldn't do it to me. He loves me. Right?

I grip my elbow just a little bit tighter than I was before and blink once or twice, like I'm trying to wake myself back up. Or maybe like I'm trying to fall back asleep. I don't know. "I mean, there're a lot of people like that, yeah. Most of the people I know, not like people I'm close to, just people I know, they'd do that, and they'd admit it, too." I feel a bit of a tug on my eyebrows, my next thoughts banging around my chest like they're a bunch of bricks smacking against my heart. "But family's just as important in Aspernor as that, too. Well, maybe not as important, but still important. The people who matter most won't use you. Most of everyone else might, but those people, they won't."

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Sun Mar 05, 2017 6:54 pm

Cei

I've set her off.  Her body's tense and she looks uneasy, unhappy.  I thought I was just being pleasant, factual, helpful.  It was a head's up, a "hey, watch yourself, this isn't a place that'll treat you nice," in a way that was more obvious then that feeling of uneasiness you get all the time just by living here.  And she's repeating herself, tripping over herself as she tells me -- not by name, but as close as she can get to it -- the people she considers close to her, the people that she values and cares about and trusts.  That doesn't mean they care the same way back.  Head Inquisitor is one of them, I bet.  He took her in, didn't he?  And Odessa ... Odessa seems two-faced, two-way, too tricky to be close and honest to this kid.  And not even in a cruel way, even.  It's all self-defense, I get it.  Odessa doesn't lack charm and decency -- she was going to get me out, after all (Probably, unless it was all a lie but that would mean that she'd be dead by the end of it and me alive but -- but -- )  I stutter on my own thoughts.  But ... this is Aspernor.

"I pissed you off, didn't I."  It's a fact, I know it.  I smirk, feeling bad.  "Wasn't trying to.  It was supposed to help."  I sigh, go to the window, push back the shutters, check the streets.  It's grey and ugly and ... I see nothing or no one that hints at danger.  Not now, anyways.  There's that tension in my belly again, the tightness in my thighs and hands that tell me these four walls are too close together and that the only good place is away.  I want to run.  But I grit my teeth and keep myself still.  

"I'm not gonna lie and I don't care about pretending either."  I look back from the window, to her, at her.  I don't know what I really want to say or what I'm trying to tell her.  But she shouldn't trust anyone.  A tiny voice inside me says that she could trust me, but that's impossible.  Not a good idea.  I'm a person who isn't going to be anywhere safe for ... I don't know how long.  Maybe forever.  Or maybe I'll just never know safety.  That too.  "Family's great, family's nice, family's pretty sweet.  But they'll sell you out too, and --"  A ball forms in my throat, hot and painful.  There's something that hurts, somewhere down deep and when I look at Monica I almost see a different face ... a short, wide forehead ... deep set, dark hazel eyes with long lashes and ... freckles, white-blonde hair --

NO.  NO NO NO NO NO -- NO!  HE DOESN'T EXIST.  YOU HAVE NO FAMILY.  THERE IS NO ONE.  SURVIVE.  KICK ASS AND SURVIVE.

The thought strikes me and I feel it unravel my previous thinking.  Tall, lean, wide shoulders, a short nose, thin ears that stick out at the sides, knobby fingers with short, squarish finger nails and a quirky pinky on the right hand, deep under eye circles and a way of exhaling in stages and sleeping only on his right side ...

I stand in a room with a child I was supposed to kill and she believes that she is safe with the people she lives with.  But I know better.  Or at least, I know how to second-guess.  And I know that what I know, she doesn't.  "I won't lie and say something like, "everyone's a threat except me," because even while I like you and I wouldn't, won't hurt you --" Jester ho can come after me if she wants, but I don't kill innocent kids --  "Trouble's gonna find me again later, which means it isn't safe to be around me.  So keeping around me isn't a good idea, first off.  Second, I don't know who exactly you'd consider your family, though it's pretty obvious that you have one, and I don't know what it's like for you and them, but it's a good idea to make sure you're watching out for yourself.  No one can do a better job of knowing when you're in danger, for one thing.  And for another, no matter who they are, you'd probably value your life more than they would.  Not because they're an asshole even, just because you're you."  I realize too late I'd just sworn in front of the kid.  My hand instinctively slaps over my lips, and I wince, thinking that someone really should just wash my mouth out.  "Sorry," I tell her quick, just to try and ... make it up, just a bit.  "I curse a lot."
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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Michael DeathFlame on Sun Mar 05, 2017 11:22 pm

Monica: Once she starts talking again my eyes go back to the ground, and a bit of guilt floats up in me. I don't know how she thought she was helping me out, but I overreacted. I must've thought she was saying something that she wasn't, and I went with it. I don't say anything as she pushes the shutters to the side, filling the room with a bit more light. I wince at first, but in a second my eyes are adjusted.

I look back up at her, ready to apologize for what I just said, but she's talking again. I keep my hand on my arm, head still kind of tilted from when I looked up at first. And all the while I'm trying to think of what she said before at the same time as I'm listening to her talking and-

"Family's great, family's nice, family's pretty sweet. But they'll sell you out too." She stops talking, but it doesn't feel like she did. My lips seal shut because I feel like if they didn't she'd be able to see the egg that just lumped up in my throat. Sira's not family anymore, she never was, she isn't now, and it doesn't matter, you don't care anymore, you have a new family now and Sira doesn't matter and that's that. I feel my grip on my elbow loosen one finger at a time before I slowly drop my arm back to my desk. The motion feels too fluid and right for how spiky and wrong my head and blood and belly feel. I can feel my Hate under all of that, a low-burn, the only thing that feels solid or constant underneath all of this emotional jumbleness.

I keep my eyes on Cei, trying to pay as much attention as I can to the rest she says. She says it's not safe to be around her (good, I don't want to be- no, stop, shut up, that's stupid), and that I need to watch out for myself because everyone else doesn't care about me more than I care about me. I lean back against my desk again, this time almost kind of half-sitting on it, like I'm stepping out of this, away from what I'm thinking and feeling right now to go back to a minute or two ago. But it's obviously too late.

They do value me more than I value me. Why the hell should I value me? If I wasn't worth my mother's love than why I should I be worth my own?

I grip onto the desk harder, looking for splinters to pinch me out of my head and into just about anything else, whatever that might be. I'm not going to do this, not in front of anybody, especially not someone I just met. Later. I'll do this later, maybe. Tonight, tomorrow, I don't know, just not now.

I focus on the last bit she said, about cursing too much, and it's so ridiculous and unimportant compared to everything else that my smile isn't even that forced. "Don't worry about it. I'm not that young." My lips aren't that dry, but I lick at them anyway, filling the gap in between thought bubbles. "And, I mean, I get that, being around other people's trouble. I live with the Head Inquisitor. But you don't have to stay away from everyone just because you got trouble on your tail. At least, not away from us, if you need help or something."

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Re: -Roleplaying Thread- Anaphora: Entropy

Post by Captain Whitehawk on Mon Mar 06, 2017 7:09 am

Cei

Something's wrong. I look at her face, take in her eyes and the way she stands. She's paler. "What's wrong?" Another pang of guilt, stronger this time. I don't understand what I've done or even what I'm doing, how this -- this talking thing works and what people do or don't say, but ... gotta try ...

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